If your stain is pigmented (solids at the bottom of the can, that required to be stirred up with a stick), then I agree - way too much stain. The top coat will have problems adhering to the wood - it will stick to the pigments, but the pigments won't adhere to the wood very well. If you can live with what you've got, i suggest you do so until the finish begins to fail.
If the stain is dye (shake it up), then 5 coats is ok, because it will be absorbed into the wood. The topcoat will last, unless you decide to strip it off, though it will be less light resistant than pigmented stain.
For the grain that opened, use a filler. Attached is a link. Don't start now - it needed to be done before stain.
http://www.hardwoodinfo.com/articles/view/pro/23/253
Finishers should be able to match the color so closely, you can't tell the difference. One of the questions finishers should have asked is: "What kind of light." Wood finishes look different under fluorescent, under incandescent, under L.E.D, etc.
And finally, this sounds like more obfuscation from DRV. I think they do not make their cabinets, and they should have referred you to the cabinetmaker/finisher. Any finisher worth his salt, keeps the recipe for the stain in his files. He'll share unless precluded by a non-disclosure with DRV.
Stains, sealers, and lacquer do not need to be sprayed. All have formulas available that are slow drying - especially for the home repair person - the perfect product(s) for your table.
Where is you home base ?